


Don't Let the Sea Steal You Away

by zoeteniets



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Guitars, M/M, Pining, Robron Week 2018, persuasion au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 10:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14162592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeteniets/pseuds/zoeteniets
Summary: Robert broke Aaron’s heart when he ended their secret relationship in the worst way possible. After Robert’s world implodes six years later Aaron returns to Emmerdale. Can he forgive Robert? Can Robert forgive himself?A modern-day Persuasion au. No prior knowledge of the book is needed.





	Don't Let the Sea Steal You Away

**Author's Note:**

> Robron week themes: home, past, distance and separation, later, beginning, alternative universe, music/Jukebox.
> 
> Tags: Robert POV, Robert plays the guitar, post-Christmas Robert, oh my God- so much pinning, but is it mutual?, mentions of Aaron/Alex, mentions of Chrissie/Robert, mentions of Connor/Robert, mention of the one night stand, Robert/Joe Tate (one-sided), Finn is alive. 
> 
> A playlist of the music featured in this fic can be found here: https://tinyurl.com/yaw3r7f5

“I’m glad that the house is staying in the family, at least,” Robert says as he hauls the last of his and Diane’s boxes to the van.

“Not really; Vic’s a Barton now,” Andy points out to him as he takes the box and fits it in with the others. Robert feels a faint twinge of sadness to see his and Diane’s whole lifetime of belongings reduced down to a handful of boxes and bits of furniture.

“Don’t be pedantic,” he snaps back, his mood already sour enough without being forced to spend time with his adopted brother. “You know what I mean.”

“He’s right. Your father would be so pleased to see one of his children take over the farm,” Diane says from where she is supervising them. “Even if it’s not the child either of us would have predicted.”

“Well, Katie and I have Wylie’s now…” Andy begins.

Robert looks up from where he was wiping his hands down on his jeans, suddenly furious. How dare Andy just assume that Jack wanted to leave the farm to him? In an instant a hundred and one replies are on his tongue- all of them derisive comments about the fact that Andy isn’t even a real Sudgen and how Dad must have known that Andy would have run the farm into the ground, that he would have wanted them to run it together- but Andy shuts up before he can say anything. Besides, it’s not worth getting into a fight over; Robert’s too tired and too bored to argue these days. Things are as they are, and there is nothing he can do about it except keep moving forward.

“Vic and Adam are bringing the whole Barton clan with them, I hear,” Diane says in an obvious attempt to diffuse the tension.

“The farm always did need more than the two of us to manage it,” Robert admits. “It will be good to see the place up and running at its full potential again.”

It’s the best possible outcome from the unrelenting disaster show that has been the past few years. A good portion of it was Rob’s fault- the whole Katie and Andy situation would have gone much smoother if only he had kept his mouth shut and his trousers on- but the majority of the disasters were out of their hands.

The largest of these said disasters was the appearance of the White family at Home Farm. Lawrence and his daughters Rebecca and Chrissie had set about buying up and selling off good portions of the village making themselves incredibly unpopular with the majority of the village residents. Not that they seemed to care much; they had their big house on the hill and barely needed to come down to mingle with the villagers unless they were out delivering notices of yet another unreasonable hike in everyone’s rents. At least Robert could say that while his involvement with the various members of the White family had caused everyone a whole lot of unnecessary stress the village land grab had started well before Robert and Chrissie had ever set eyes on each other. 

Eric Pollard, another village landowner, had eventually snapped and taken them to court, but by then it was too late for the Sugdens. The rents had bled them dry of their savings and if it wasn’t for the intervention of Victoria’s massive family of in-laws Robert and Diane would currently be homeless.

Andy, of course, had escaped with his meagre savings and his wife to Wylie’s farm, a place so run down that even the Whites couldn’t be bothered to buy it. For a long time, Robert was in a constant state of either jealousy, anger, or angry jealousy. And while he was now mostly over it, the knowledge that Andy had been squirrelling money away for him and Katie when he could have been helping the whole family with the farm is always going to feel like a massive betrayal.

He’s pulled away from his morose thoughts by his phone buzzing in his pocket. Vic’s number flashes up on the screen and so he answers with the most enthusiastic “hey sis” he can muster.

“I was just checking to see how the move is going. Are you sure you don’t need any help?” She says cheerily through the phone.

“It’s all fine. The van’s all loaded up and we’re just on our way now.”

“Good. Is everyone ok?”

They make small talk for a while as Robert walks into the empty house to do one last final check that they have picked up everything.

“Are you sure that you don’t need a hand for when you get here?” he eventually asks her.

“Not unless you really want to help out. The whole family is coming down with us and so things are probably going to be super crowded. I just hope we have enough room for everyone who wants to stay over.”

“It sounds like you’re bringing a whole regiment with you.”

“Pretty much. Adam’s three cousins are coming and obviously, Moira and Cain are going to be here so there will probably be lots of Dingles milling around as well. Then there’s Adam’s mate Aaron…”

“Aaron,” Robert suddenly interrupts. “Aaron Dingle?”

“Yeah,” Vic replies. “He’s the one that went off to join the Navy. I’m sure you’ve met him. He used to come back to Emmerdale all the time.”

“Yes, we’ve met.”

It’s the understatement of the century.

Vic continues prattling on about the plan for moving all the Bartons into their new home but Robert barely hears her. His head is too full with the revelation that Aaron Dingle is coming back. The thread that had once tied the two of them together tugs painfully at his heart as Robert’s mind races through a hundred different possible situations and scenarios. One thing is certain; Aaron is going to be here. Probably in this very room.

Robert has to get out of the house. 

He makes it out of the back door, across the vegetable garden, and over the back fence before Vic notices that he’s gone quiet.

“Look, Rob,” she says in that special ‘little sister’ voice she saves just for him and Andy. “I know moving out of the Farm must be hard, but you have to know it’s for the best. It’s what Dad would have wanted.”

Jack and his constant disapproving looks are the last things on his mind right now. But this is perfect; she’s given him a way out.

“It’s ok, Vic. I know you’re right.”

It’s only when she finally hangs up that he feels like he can breathe again.

…

Robert has always marvelled at the way that memories have a way of working into the fabric of things. A book lent to him by a friend that he never gave back, the jumper he was wearing the day he passed his driving test, the first album he listened to after his father died. Once he and Diane had decided that they had to move Rob had found all of these things in the back of his wardrobe. Going from the farm to their cramped little cottage in the village had forced him to be economical- there was no space for hoarding and no time to be sentimental. So, these things and all the memories attached to them had ended up in a charity bag.

Quick. Efficient. Final.

But when he found his old guitar shoved in the same forgotten corner he had found himself reverently fishing it out of its case. Sitting with it cradled against his knees his fingers itched to reach out and strum their way against the still taut strings.

He was strangely disappointed to discover that it was out of tune.

Said guitar has somehow found its way into the moving van without him knowing about it and from there it is moved into the living room of Keeper’s Cottage. Once the majority of the heavy lifting is done Rob finds himself drawn to the instrument once more.

He sits with it cradled in his lap and carefully tunes it while Diane passes around mugs brimming with both tea and gossip.

The conversation between the extended Sugden clan of Diane, Bernice, Doug, and Andy moves along predictable lines: what colour are they going to paint the rooms, how quickly they’ll have everything moved to where it needs to be, how long it’s going to be before Robert finally pulls his finger out and gets his own place…

He tunes back into their conversation at that, ready to defend himself, but it seems that Andy and Doug are just trying to annoy him. Rob could rise to the bait. He could point out, quite correctly, that there is no hope of him being able to afford anything on his own since he had ploughed the very last of his savings into keeping the farm going, and that even if he did have enough for the deposit there’s nothing for sale in the village due to the fact that the Whites have been buying up every property for the last three years. And, if he were feeling really petty, he could spill Andy’s massive secret (the one that he is sworn to secrecy over) and tear down the image of him as the perfect son and fiancé. 

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he strums a purposefully jarring chord on his guitar and goes back to his task of tuning it.

He’s grateful for the chore when the conversation turns to the Bartons and their brood. Diane recalls meeting them at Vic’s wedding and has assigned them all helpful descriptors to jog Doug’s memory too.

“There was the quiet, tall, one- that’s Pete the oldest. Then the youngest is Finn- he was the sweet boy with the glasses. The middle brother is Ross- he’s the confident one. And then Vic said something about Adam’s mate Aaron coming down to help as well, which of course Chas will be thrilled about because she’s always complaining that she never sees her son. I don’t know if he’ll be happy about it though as he was rather miserable the last time I saw him. Perhaps he’s just grumpy. Chas has always said that Aaron can be stand-off-ish. Though, I suppose with those Navy types like Aaron it can be difficult to tell…”

Hearing Aaron’s name repeated so often, so casually, and entirely without the reverence that the name belonging to such a man as Aaron deserves is a new sort of trial for Robert. He knows straight away that this is only the beginning of this test, and that there is no chance of surviving meeting the man if merely hearing his name can cause him this much pain. He must learn to endure it. 

He’ll need to form new calluses on his fingers if he wants to keep playing his guitar, Rob realises. He’ll need one around his heart too.

…

His first night in the cottage passes entirely without event and Rob settles quietly and gratefully into the new domesticity. The house is a haven away from the Farm which he is sure must be buzzing with activity now that Vic and the Barton clan have set about moving in.

He texts her at lunch and asks if she needs anything, praying that she’ll be too busy to even look at her phone. But his phone buzzes at 2 pm.

‘All good! But you’re all invited over for drinks and a barbecue at 6.30. Bring Diane and Doug!’

On the plus side, Robert knows from experience that his sister’s smoky marinade makes her barbecues the best in the county. On the downside, he knows Aaron will be there and he’s not sure if he’s ready to confront that particular ghost just yet.

Still, he uses the potential party as an excuse to start unpacking his wardrobe properly, trying to find a shirt that will say ‘I just threw this on, but I still want you to notice me’ when there is a shout from the garden.

By the time he gets downstairs the cause of the commotion is apparent. Jack Junior, his nephew, has fallen from a tree in the garden and hurt his leg. Diane is talking to him quietly, asking him where he hurts and if he can move his ankle, while Andy stands off to the side and bites at his fingernails. The boy is pale, and while Diane sounds confident that he doesn’t need to go to A and E his nephew seems pretty shaken up.

Andy calls Vic, who sends one of the Bartons, a nurse by the name of Emma, to check him over and Robert spends the time between the phone call and the knock on the door in fitful anticipation. What if Vic sends Aaron with Emma to show her the way? How does Robert feel about that? Is he scared? Hopeful? Robert can hardly tell, his emotions all fighting each other for attention in his head. All he knows is that the six years apart from Aaron have been unable to make him indifferent to the man that he had once loved so much. The very thought of him causes Robert’s heart to race and his palms to prick with sweat. He fears that he might be crushed under the weight of his longing to see Aaron again, and his terror at the thought of doing so.

In some ways, it is fortunate that everyone assumes that his worried expression is the result of Jack’s fall and not his own personal torment.

When the doorbell rings Robert is relieved to see that it is Adam who had come with Emma to direct her to the cottage. Having a nurse in the family is obviously very helpful as she’s able to confirm that Jack’s ankle is sprained not broken and that he doesn’t need to go to the hospital.

“He does seem a bit shaken up though so it’s probably a good idea to let him stay here and rest.”

That causes a debate because no one can agree on who should stay behind and who should go to the party at the farm. Robert sees this as an opportunity. Much to the shock of everyone around him he volunteers to look after his nephew.

“Are you sure?” asks Diane.

“Yeah, of course,” Rob assures her. “I’ve been meaning to hang out with my favourite nephew more anyway.”

“I’m your only nephew,” the boy pipes up.

“See! He’s feeling better already! I don’t mind. I think I’d prefer a night in watching Disney films anyway.”

It’s a lie. Worse than that, it’s an out of character lie. If it wasn’t for the fact that everyone wants to go and see Vic and eat her food and critique her plans for the farm he’s sure that they would interrogate him about it. But this way, with Robert staying behind to play nursemaid, everyone gets what they want.

Or rather, Robert gets a night on the sofa trying not to imagine what marks six years at sea has left on Aaron’s face. Is he tanned? Is his smile brighter? Does he still laugh as easily or has military discipline soured his mood? Robert’s mind continues to run in circles as he tries to distract it with bright colours and catchy songs. It is hours before he has any rest.

…

The whole house declines breakfast the following morning, claiming to still be full up from last night’s banquet at Butler’s. Robert munches loudly on his cornflakes in an effort to drown out the discussion that repeats all of last night’s conversations.

And yet, his treacherous brain is still so tuned into any mention of Aaron that he finds himself pausing to drink in the details Diane and Doug accidentally reveal to him. Like the fact that Aaron is looking well and handsome and might even have lost some of his characteristic gruffness.

Robert doesn’t know how to feel about that. Have the years distant changed Aaron from the boy he once knew into a different man?

Then Diane turns to him and asks him a question that nearly shatters the world in two.

“Why didn’t you tell us you know Aaron? He asked after you.”

And how exactly is he supposed to answer a question like that?

He is sure that the time between hearing the question and answering it with a surprised “I just didn’t get the chance to” stretches for an entire hour but Diane seems satisfied enough and continues with the conversation.

A call from Chas interrupts.

It’s after Robert’s second cup of coffee that he finds out what the call is about. Chas has been running a series of live music nights to try and lure people to the pub on the quieter nights. Tonight’s act has just cancelled on her and, unfortunately for him, Diane has volunteered him in their place.

“But I’ve not played for ages!”

“Well, you have the whole day to practice,” Diane points out.

Rob wants to lie and say he’s got something on, but his head is still so full of thoughts of Aaron that he has no brainpower to devote to thinking up an excuse.

“Fine, but I’m just playing. No singing.”

Robert is surprised and overwhelmingly relieved to find that despite many years of not practising he still recalls how to play a few songs. His fingers remember their path across the strings even if his mind does not. After a few hours of practice, Robert has enough music memorised that he can play for about an hour.

The pub is quiet as expected. There’s only a handful of tourists who have stopped for a drink mid-hike there. Still, Robert sets up with his guitar in the corner and strums away, unbothered by the people milling around him.

Chas brings over a pint for him. She has a curious look on her face, and for a moment he thinks she’s about to tell him to play something a bit more cheerful than the melancholy classical pieces that he’s been favouring. But she says nothing- simply looks down her nose at him and walks away.

He’s not paying attention to his surroundings, so it takes him a moment to realise who has just walked through the door. But as his eyes randomly stray from the strings he sees Aaron Dingle, looking as gorgeous as ever in a pair of green overalls.

Thank god there’s a pause in the music, Robert thinks to himself. Thank god his fingers know this song well enough to play without any conscious input from him. Because his mind right now is full of only the echo of Aaron’s tears hitting the floor the last time they had seen each other.

Chas makes a fuss, of course, her sour expression from a moment before melted into something sweet at the first sight of her son. They stay at the bar for a moment, Chas leaning over with her whole body to hug him as Aaron tries awkwardly to shift away. The younger man turns his head slightly and Robert immediately tears his eyes from him, back to his hands. He’s not sure he’s strong enough to look into those eyes that must surely despise him.

Robert breathes a sigh of relief as he hears Diane suggest that Aaron and Chas go through to the back room for a proper catch-up. He lets himself sink back into the music, finally able to enjoy himself a bit now that he’s not wound up with the anticipation of seeing Aaron again for the first time.

Surely, seeing Aaron can only get easier from here? As long as Robert stays out of his way and avoids any unnecessary interaction with him the ache in his chest should heal.

Except the universe must be testing him today because he has to go through to the back room to collect his guitar case once his set has finished. He procrastinates from doing so- he plays his last few pieces as slowly as he can manage, and then he drinks his pint at an equally tardy pace. But once Diane notices him and pointedly asks him when he’s going home for dinner he realises that he is out of excuses.

Hopefully, he’ll just be able to dart in and out with no damage done.

Old habits die hard, and a childhood of listening to conversations in doorways means that he’s conditioned himself to listen out for any sign that someone could be talking about him. And as he stands with his hand on the doorknob he hears the quiet mention of his name.

“Are you sure that you’re ok being back here with Robert still around?” Chas asks.

“I’ve told you, mum, I’m fine,” Aaron replies with an exasperated sigh. “What happened… it was a long time ago.”

“Yeah but seeing him now- no one would judge you if it brought back some unpleasant memories.”

“Honestly, it’s fine. I just saw him in the pub, right? He’s so different that I hardly recognised him. You don’t need to worry about me, Mum. Any feelings I had for him are long gone.”

Robert can’t stand to hear Aaron be so dismissive of him and what they shared together anymore, so he opens the door already saying “I just need to collect my case” as he walks through. Annoyingly, the case is tucked in the corner behind the dining room table that Aaron and Chas are sitting around and so he has to go right up to them in order to get it back. He keeps his eyes fixed on the ground as much as he can and is just about to grab the cases when Aaron speaks up.

“Rob, Vic told me that she’s expecting you for dinner at the Farm tomorrow. Since you missed the last get together and all.”

Robert looks up at him and sees Aaron staring back with a raised eyebrow. 

“Ok, sure.”

“So, I’ll tell her you’ll be there?”

“Thanks.”

Perhaps, a long time ago, Robert’s heart would have been filled with the knowledge that Aaron was inviting him for dinner. Sure, it was actually his sister’s invitation, but Aaron has passed it onto him and seemed to want him to be there. But Robert knows now that any sign that Aaron might want to see him is all in his head. He’s probably just asking after him so that he can make his own excuses not to be present. 

But when Robert turns up to the farm, a bottle of wine in each hand just in case, Aaron is sitting around the table with the rest of them looking right at home.

The last time Robert had seen Aaron in this room his face has been red and blotchy with freshly shed tears. Now, the colour on his face is there because of good beer and good company. He’s changed. Of course, he has. It’s been six years. To think that he would have remained the same is naïve. The places on his body that were once still scrawny with youth are now filled out with muscle. His features are softer, and while his hair is still in a military cut he has let his beard grow out on this holiday and has styled it in such a way that he could easily be mistaken for a model. It’s a cliché, but now Robert understands what is meant when a person is described as having ‘blossomed’.

No one notices him staring, not even Aaron who is talking animatedly to some members of the Barton clan. Victoria eventually sees Rob still hovering by the doorway and pulls out a chair for him, one that is thankfully away from Aaron. But the room is small, and they are so cramped in together that Robert can hardly look anywhere without seeing Aaron or something that reminds him of the time they once spent together. 

Aaron is clearly the star of tonight’s show. Having a naval officer amongst them is a new occurrence and the Bartons all gather around him as if he is some new toy that they all want the chance to play with. Robert tries to tune out of the conversation and focus on his sister and brother-in-law. Still, he cannot help but focus in on the voice that he once so adored.

That voice is more animated now than it was before. Aaron speaks with a confidence that must have bloomed in him over the past six years. Robert wonders how it was that Aaron has changed. What new things has he learnt about himself? Which old demons have been confronted and defeated so that he may now speak with the voice of a confident man, not a cautious teen?

Aaron tells his captive audience about life in the Navy. About all the time he spends on the ship, where he sleeps and what he eats, how long the deployments last for. Finn interrupts and asks him about whether he ever gets homesick and Aaron replies that while he misses his Mum sometimes (a truth that he threatens to deny if Chas ever found out about it) he prefers to be out travelling the world.

“It might be difficult to leave if I had a family of my own,” he adds. “But aside from a boyfriend here and there I’ve never really found someone I want to settle down with.”

‘Lie’ Robert’s mind screams.

“I do a really dangerous job,” Aaron continues to explain. “I work with the bomb disposal team a lot and I would need to be with a partner who understands the risk of this job but loves me enough to let me do it.”

“You’ll think differently when you fall in love,” says Emma, going a bit misty-eyed. “I used to get up to all kinds of crazy things. But when I fell for James suddenly the only thing that was important was going home to him. When you find that special someone, the only thing that matters is cherishing every precious moment that you share with them.”

Robert keeps his eyes fixed on his hands in his lap, but he feels the prickle of eyes staring at him on the back of his skin nonetheless.

…

 

After dinner, Finn suggests they all join him in a tradition he picked up while on his gap year in South Africa. ‘Sundowners’ is nothing particularly grand- just a drink outside watching the sunset together. As darkness stretches her inky hands across Yorkshire’s rolling hills the Barton brothers get the fire pit going and Victoria produces a packet of marshmallows for them to toast for dessert. Now Rob understands why she asked him to bring his guitar.

“Go on Rob,” she says, the marshmallows in her cheeks making her look like a hamster. “Everyone else got to hear you at the pub and it’s been ages since you played for me.” 

No one is really paying attention to him: Ross, Pete, Adam and Aaron are chasing a ball around on the lawn while there’s still enough light from the sunset and the fire to see by. Finn is busy scrolling through his phone. Cain and Moira are canoodling on the porch where they think no one can see them.

So, he obliges his little sister and plays a few classical pieces that he remembers her enjoying when they were kids. His mind drifts as he plays and he finds himself reminiscing about summer nights where someone more skilful with this instrument sat beside him and played.

“Do you remember this one, Vic?” Rob asks her.

“No,” she says, shuffling closer to him so that she can hear him better.

“You must; it was Mum’s favourite.”

She still can’t quite identify the song over the sound of her husband and his friends mucking around in the distance. So, Robert takes a deep breath and begins to sing softly.

Moon River, wider than a mile…

That’s all it takes. Vic’s face lights up with the memory and she joins in straight away with him. Rob is relieved to stop singing and just concentrate on playing. Though, he finds himself singing the harmony line with his near the end of the song.

There is a quiet peace between them as they share the memory of their mother sitting by the same fire and teaching them the same song. It’s broken as Adam jogs over to them.

“Someone at the door for you, Rob. Says his name is Connor.”

“What?” Robert asks, dumbfounded.

“Connor Jensen, I think? He said that he’s a friend of yours.”

“Right… I mean, yes, he is,” Robert gets up to go and greet him, still completely confused as to what Connor bloody Jensen is doing in Emmerdale of all places.

It had been a one-night-stand. Manchester. He’d been at a conference in a hotel attempting to secure a lucrative deal for the Whites that would show off his skills to Lawrence. Connor had been working at the bar and had been exactly what Robert needed to take his frustrations out on. It meant nothing. Connor seemed to enjoy it.

In the morning there had been the obligatory swapping of phone numbers and after that a brief text conversation where Robert had explained that, actually, he wasn’t going to be in Manchester again for the foreseeable. And that was that. Until now.

Connor greets him with a saucy smile.

“What are you doing here?” Robert asks, only just managing to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice.

“Aren’t you pleased to see me?” Connor pouts.

Rob takes a moment to pause and pull his thoughts together. In truth, he’s not pleased to see Connor at all. What they’d had together was fun but brief and meaningless. Robert had hardly thought about the younger man since.

“Well? The least you could do is offer me a drink,” Connor tells him, and that’s enough to shock Rob into action.

He grabs an open bottle of red off the windowsill and pours Connor a small glass, remembering that they had shared a bottle of merlot in the hotel room that night. Connor lets their fingers brush together as he takes the glass. He winks at Robert as he takes it to his mouth, the look on his face clearly showing that he knows Robert’s eyes will trace the way the red liquid falls over plump and luscious lips. 

“What are you doing in Emmerdale?” Robert asks.

“Looking for work,” Connor explains, licking the wine from his lips. “I heard the big house on the hill is advertising.”

“It’s a bit different from bar work. What happened to your job at the hotel?”

“Work is work, isn’t it? As long as it pays the bills and keeps me out of trouble. And I hear that I am very good at customer service…” Connor parks his bum on the kitchen counter and Robert almost scolds him for it but then remembers that this is neither his house nor his furniture anymore. “I got caught sleeping with the boss’ son. I was fired for ‘unprofessional behaviour’.”

“Won’t be a problem up at Home Farm. Only the boss’s daughter Rebecca works for him these days.”

“Who says I won’t go after the boss?”

There was a time when Connor’s brazen flirtations were entertaining and amusing. Now they just seem sort of tragic.

“I’m staying in the B and B in the village,” Connor tells him. “Maybe you’d like to join me? There’s a nice big king-sized bed and everything…”

A movement out of the corner of his eye catches Robert’s attention for a moment. He thinks he sees Aaron hurry past the kitchen window, but he can’t be sure.

“Sorry, Connor. I’m not…” he takes a deep breath. Before he wouldn’t have minded being so blunt, but ever since losing the Farm his capacity for cruelty has waned. “You and me were a one-time thing. I’m not looking for a relationship.”

Connor considers him from his perch on the counter-top, blinking at him owlishly as if he is convinced that Robert is going to tell him that it’s all a joke. But then he shrugs and smiles.

“Well, you know where to find me if you change your mind.”

Robert knows that he will not.

…

Somehow, Robert manages to wake up with a headache despite not drinking nearly enough to have given himself a hangover. At breakfast, Diane tries to convince him that he’s needed up at the Farm and when he protests that he’s not well enough she tells him that what he needs is more fresh air and sends him off on his way.

“Robert!” Adam greets him with far more enthusiasm than he usually does. “Just the person we need! I wanted to take everyone for a walk around the perimeter of the Farm but Vic’s gone into town with Moira and Cain so I need your expertise.”

And that’s how he gets roped into walking through field after field with his brother-in-law, cousins-in-law, and Aaron, even though all he wants to do today is curl up under the sheets of his bed and die.

He plasters a smile on his face when one of the Barton boys ask him a question. The older two are actually both fairly switched on about farming, due to the fact that they both work on their parents’ farm. The questions keep him pleasantly distracted and he is almost able to forget both his headache and the bone-crushing feeling of disappointment this is no longer his land. It is not enough, however, to distract him from the way that the youngest Barton brother keeps moving closer and closer to Aaron as they walk together ahead of the group. 

A part of him, a loud and noisy part that claws at the inside of his chest and screams for attention, wants to reach out and separate them, to link his arm within Aaron’s and pull his attention away to where it really should be focused. A year ago, perhaps, he would have done exactly that. Or, more likely if Robert is honest with himself, he would have turned a flirtatious eye to Finn and had the young man eating out of his palm in an attempt to make Aaron as wild with jealousy as Robert himself feels right now.

By the time that they reach the stile that marks the boundary between the two largest fields Robert’s head is pounding, his temples throbbing in time with his heartbeat as his blood rushes hot and angry around his body. He feels like his head is going to split open as he sees Aaron step over the stile and then immediately offer his hand to Finn to help him cross. Rob takes a deep breath and tries not to notice the way Finn grips on to Aaron’s hand and stumbles into him a little in an attempt to pull their bodies closer. Robert feels a sudden wave of nausea roll through his stomach, and he can’t tell if it’s simple jealousy or his headache turning into a migraine. By the time that the urge to throw-up has passed everyone else has crossed over the fence and moved on without him.

But, as he climbs up onto the stile, Aaron turns around and shouts, “Hey Rob! Be careful of your knee!”

Robert looks directly into bright blue eyes, and suddenly he is falling, the ground coming up to meet him. He doesn’t hit it though. Instead, he falls face first into something that is warm, hard, and yet still impossibly soft. He rubs his cheek against it, and for the briefest moment he knows a sense of peace, unlike anything he has felt for the past six years. Then he realises that somehow Aaron has made it all the way back to the stile quick enough to catch him as he fell. He pulls back as fast as he can, self-conscious and ashamed of himself, as Aaron sets him down to sit on the stile.

Adam jogs back to them asking what has happened.

“Robert’s got a dodgy knee…”

“It’s just a headache. I lost my footing…” They answer at the same time.

“I’ll be fine,” Robert insists. “There’s a stream just over there and the water is clean enough to drink from it. You lot go ahead. I’ll have some water and then catch you up.”

“Are you sure?” His brother-in-law asks. “I can wait with you. You shouldn’t be on your own.”

“Please don’t. I’m humiliated enough as it is- falling over on a stile I’ve been able to cross since I could walk- I don’t want someone to have to stay behind for me like a child. I’ll be fine once I’ve had something to drink.”

It takes a little longer, but Adam is eventually convinced to walk on ahead of him. Aaron stays quiet the whole way through the conversation and for a moment Robert thinks- hopes, almost- that Aaron will insist that he’ll stay behind to make sure that Robert doesn’t black out again. But all he does is give Robert a stare so intense he thinks Aaron is trying to see right into the back of Robert’s head, before turning on his heal and going with Adam, leaving Robert alone on the fence.

…

The cool water from the stream does make him feel a little better, and after drinking his fill as splashing some on his face too cool down, he begins to chase after the others. In the near distance he can see the three Barton brothers crossing a field, however, Adam and Aaron are nowhere to be seen. Then he hears their voices drift towards him from a copse of trees where they have sought to get some shade.

They don’t see him. And Robert doesn’t mean to eavesdrop on them. But the temptation to find out whether Aaron is thinking about him, talking about him, is too great.

“So, you and Finn?” He hears Adam ask.

“What?” comes the reply. “Oh, God no. I think he was just grateful to have someone to talk ‘nerd’ at for a bit.”

“Oh, right. It’s just. Last time he was in Emmerdale he got his heart broken and it was all Rob’s fault so…”

“Really? How come?”

“Robert’s fiancé caught them in bed together. It was just a one-time thing apparently, but then it all came out that Rob had been a serial cheat, even seeing her own sister behind her back. So, she kicked him out, broke things off, and left the village. I think Finn had hoped it would be more, but Rob told Finn that he was just using him the whole time and that was the end of that. Oh, sorry. Did you not know that Rob’s bi?”

“I didn’t know he was ‘out’.” The reply is a diplomatic one and does nothing to reveal Aaron and Rob’s personal history.

“Well it was all a bit dramatic and public,” Adam replies. “And then, of course, there was the whole thing with his father. He already had the cancer diagnosis by then and the plan had been for Rob to marry his fiancé while Jack was still well enough to be out of the hospital. But then it came out about Robert being bi and the fact that he’s cheated so much. Jack was dead within six months and Vic says that Robert blames himself and all the stress he caused.”

“Oh…” Aaron doesn’t say anything else and Robert is grateful for it.

“Anyway, the thing I’m trying to say is that Finn’s been messed around before. And sure, he says he’s fine and there are no hard feelings, but I don’t want him to have his heart broken again, y’know, cause he’s my cousin and everything.”

“Right, well, I’ll make it clear to him that nothing’s going to happen.”

Robert only has a split second to worry that the reason Aaron is so confident that nothing will occur between him and Finn is because Aaron is already seeing someone before Aaron and Adam both turn the corner and finally spot him.

“You’re looking better!” Adam tells him. It is probably a lie.

“Feeling better,” Robert replies, even though his head is still pounding. “Shall we keep going?”

Robert presses on despite the fact that he knows that he really should have suggested to them all that they turn back. He’s being both selfish and irrational; selfish because he doesn’t care how the others will feel if they end up having to carry him back home if he faints again and irrational because his migraine addled brain can’t help but conjure images of Aaron swooping in and saving him. 

The universe intervenes for him. Just as they reach a part of the farmland that is intersected by a road they spy Victoria’s car in the distance. She sees them, and pulls over, ready to chat about what they are all up to when she spies Robert lurking at the back of the group.

“God, Robert! You look like death warmed up!” she tells him.

“It’s just a headache,” he protests, but Adam and Aaron talk over him, telling his sister that he has a migraine and that he should be taken home.

“I’d rather walk.”

“He passed out a while ago. Just a little bit. But he really should go home,” Adam tells his wife.

And so, Robert is corralled into the car, Adam practically pushing him into it and Aaron holding the car door open for him.

Robert cannot think of the gesture as being kind, or gentlemanly, or showing that Aaron has any sort of feeling towards him. He must not, or he will go mad with the hope that Aaron could love him again when he knows that such a thing is entirely out of the realm of possibility.

…

When Robert comes to he is lying on the sofa of Butlers with a damp towel pressed to his forehead. He blinks slowly; everything is a little out of focus, including the figure standing at the opposite end of the sofa.

“Hi. Are you ok?” a voice that is unmistakably Aaron’s asks.

Robert is just about able to focus on the blue eyes looking down at him with a mixture of concern and apprehension when they both hear Adam shout from the kitchen;

“Hey, Aaron. Can you come answer your phone? It sounds like someone is really trying to get hold of you.”

Aaron does as he’s told, leaving Robert alone to peel himself off the sofa and shuffle slowly to the kitchen, moving carefully so as not to set his head off pounding again. As he reaches the kitchen Adam offers him a cup of tea as Vic starts making dinner and Aaron sits at the table texting away.

“Oh my god, are you sexting someone?” Adam says as he passes Aaron’s shoulder.

“What? No. It’s just Alex.”

“Alex? Alex the doctor?” Vic asks. “Are you sure you’re not sexting him?”

“We’ve only been on a few dates,” Aaron says, not looking up from his phone.

Robert is very glad that no one in the room is looking at him; it means that no one can see the way that the realisation that Aaron is seeing someone has crushed him. Logically, of course, he knows that Aaron must have moved on. It’s been six years after all. But making peace with something in theory and having to do it in practice are two very different things, and Robert finds that he is completely unprepared for the latter.

A year or so ago, such a piece of news would not have bothered him. He would have brushed it off, confident in the knowledge that most of the people he met found him irresistible and that he would always be able to win Aaron back if he wanted to. Now he knows that Aaron will never turn a kind eye on him ever again. Even without the horrible and shameful way that he had broken Aaron’s heart and all his selfish behaviour, there is nothing about him that could possibly be appealing to the younger man. Rob doesn’t need to be told that the past years of stress, sadness, and heartbreak have marked him in many ways. He knows that body has suffered under the weight of his misdeeds, and now his shoulders are slumped, his skin is pale, and his hair is greying. There is nothing about him that could possibly appeal to Aaron anymore.

And yet, the way Aaron had caught him when he fell and had cared for him and had been kind to him had set a tiny spark of hope alight in his chest. He tramples it down now. Aaron is seeing someone. And by the sound of the conversation that has continued on over his head, said boyfriend is now coming to stay with them.

Robert sips the cup of tea that Adam has just handed him wondering if will make him feel any better. It’s a ridiculous idea; nothing will ever cure this heartache.  
…

Robert avoids the farm for the next few days. He has too much to do and Vic has enough people helping her out at the farm. Rob knows that he would just be under-foot and in the way. Besides, he has his own life to sort out, and he spends the rest of the working week going to and from various job interviews in Hotton and Leeds.

Come the weekend he still hasn’t heard anything back from the places he has interviewed at, and he plans on spending the entire weekend hiding in his room and maybe fiddling with his guitar.

Somehow, he ends up being dragged over to the farm for lunch. He sulks the whole way there, trying to mentally prepare for the sight of Aaron and his boyfriend together, and knowing that he’s being utterly ridiculous for hoping that Alex has already left the village.

When he arrives, there are even more people at the farm than Robert was anticipating. It becomes apparent very quickly that Alex has not come alone as there are several other young and fit looking men all chucking around a rugby ball on the front lawn. Eventually, he is spotted and Aaron jogs over to him in order to introduce him to the newcomers.

They are all colleagues of his from the Navy that have been staying in Leeds while on shore-leave. There are Flynn and Ed who are in the same squadron as Aaron. And then there is the infamous Alex who it turns out is a Navy medic. That’s great, thinks Robert, if he were just handsome or just clever he could probably cope, but this one has to go and be both of those things. It’s not fair.

They all smile and shake his hand as they are introduced

“Robert?” Ed asks. “You’re Robert?”

There is a brief sort of pause as the young man looks Robert up and down as if trying to get the measure of him. Robert is suddenly worried about what Aaron has told his friends about their past. There is no version of the story of what had happened between the two of them in which Robert comes off as anything but an utter-bastard. Rob dismisses the thought; there’s no way that he is important enough to Aaron for him to have complained to his colleagues about him. Their relationship, however important to them at the time, is but a footnote in Aaron’s life-story. 

It soon becomes apparent what they need Robert for today. Aaron has promised his mates that he’ll take them quad-biking and Vic has told them that there’s a field in which Rob and Andy had made an obstacle course when they were kids. They pile onto the three bikes that Rob and Andy were supposed to use for working out in the furthest fields and Rob tries very hard not to acknowledge the stab of jealousy he feels when Aaron climbs behind Alex and sets about explaining to him how to drive the bike.

He knows that Aaron has moved on and he’s made peace with the fact. So why does every reminder still make him feel like a knife is being twisted in his heart?

Rob distracts himself by pulling Finn onto a bike with him and setting off so that the others can follow. Finn apparently doesn’t enjoy the ride at all and as soon as they reach the course he hops off the back of the bike claiming that he only came to spectate anyway.

Rob hadn’t appreciated just how much fun it would be to drive over this old dirt track again. A year ago, he probably would have been horrified at the thought of doing this: after all, what’s the point of wasting all that fuel just to end up muddy and exhausted? Perhaps it is true what Andy and Katie have said about him- perhaps he really has forgotten how to have fun. Driving around the track with the wind flowing through his hair and puddles splattering up his shins, the stresses and worries that have been weighing him down for so long simply melt away. And suddenly he is in his early twenties again, driving through the fields with straw stuck in his hair as the result of a tumble in the hay and a strong pair of masculine arms wrapped more around his waist for warmth than for safety.

He wants to drive and never stop, wants to keep going right to the end of the earth just so that he can stay within this memory and never have to face his painful reality ever again.

But soon voices are calling him back.

Eventually, they organise a tournament amongst themselves. Three laps around the course in the fastest time and the loser has to buy the winner’s drinks for the night. Aaron’s mates all claim that they need some practice rounds and set off, while Finn fiddles with his phone and pulls up a stopwatch app.

“Do you want a few practice rounds?” Robert asks Alex in an attempt to be civil. He really is trying to keep his automatic loathing of the man well hidden, but Robert has always been a surprisingly bad liar, especially around Aaron.

“Oh, this isn’t really my thing,” Alex tells him, and since Robert doesn’t actually want to strike up a conversation he simply nods and moves away.

A round of rock-paper-scissors decides which order they’ll go in and Ed is the first to set off. Rob watches the bike race around the track from the fence with Finn and tunes out Aaron and Alex’s conversation but cheering on Ed as much as he can. He does the same for Flynn and so it’s only natural that he cheers on Aaron too.

When it’s eventually Robert’s turn he takes great pleasure in being away from Aaron and his friends. He still can’t understand why he keeps being dragged back to the Farm. He would have thought that Aaron would be doing everything possible to stay well away from him. After all, he had made it perfectly clear that their past together was well and truly dead. What was it that he had said to Chas? That Robert was so altered that Aaron hardly recognised him anymore?

Rob had planned to keep his time in the middle of the pack so that, as neither the winner nor the looser, he would have an excuse not to go for drinks later on. But his mind has been so wrapped up with Aaron that he’s not been pacing himself and going by the way everyone is cheering him on he’s making a very good time. In the distance, he can see that even Aaron is shouting for him and he hears a yell of “come on Robert!” echoed in the wind.

Robert’s looks may have altered, but he is still the same person deep inside, and his competitive spirit comes roaring back to life. He revs the engine and completes an even faster lap, using his knowledge of the track is made to his own advantage. He pulls up the bike to shouts of “that was amazing!” and “I wish I could drive like that!” as Ed and Aaron even thump him on the back in congratulations. Robert is sure that he must be blushing and the spot on his shoulder that Aaron has just touched burns like he’s been branded.

Robert is so caught up in his own feelings that he doesn’t notice the sound of an engine being revved in the distance.

Alex has apparently changed his mind.

“What are you playing at?” Flynn shouts over the sound of the engine, but Alex doesn’t hear him. He just drives past the rest of them in a spray of mud and gravel.

Half of Robert is impressed with just how brave Alex is being. Then it dawns on him that this is the result of more recklessness than bravado. He resolves to catch Alex’s attention the next time he passes him on the bike.

It’s not enough. Robert remembers that Alex hasn’t even driven the course before and is a novice with the bike and he realises that there’s no way Alex will make the next corner at the speed he is currently travelling. There’s nothing Robert can do. For a tiny split-second moment, it looks like Alex is going to make it. But the next thing Rob knows, the bike twists dramatically out of Alex’s control and the slim man is thrown in an arc through the air, landing with a painful sounding thud on the grass. 

They move as one. Aaron and Robert are by his side first, quickly checking Alex’s pulse and his airwaves. Flynn rushes over to get the bike under control and Ed keeps Finn away to give the rest of them some space.

“Alex! Mate, can you hear me?” Aaron asks.

Alex is out cold, but Robert can still feel his pulse and see that he is breathing. He carefully positions the young man’s head and checks his airwaves.

“Keep talking to him,” Robert tells Aaron. “He might wake up.”

“I can’t get through to 999!” Finn shouts from the side. “There’s no signal out here. Christ, why was it the medic who had to be injured?”

“Shit!” Robert hisses under his breath. “Ed, grab a bike and go back to the farm. Call the ambulance from there. Take Finn with you; he knows the way. Tell them we’re on the B675 at Emmerdale. Flynn, at the bottom of the field there’s a fence- go over it and you’ll see the road. Wait there for the ambulance.”

He turns back to Alex’s prone body and goes back to checking his breathing and his pulse while Aaron strokes the young man’s hair and murmurs pleas for him to wake up.

…

Aaron goes with Alex in the ambulance and the rest of them head back to the farm to wait for news. It comes four hours later: Alex has a concussion and two broken ribs, but other than that he’s fine. Aaron texts Ed to tell him that Alex is being kept in overnight and Adam volunteers to go and fetch Aaron from the hospital. Robert takes that as his cue to leave and is gone from the farm by the time they get back.

He runs into Aaron the following morning at the café and of course, he does the polite thing and asks after Alex.

He does not expect Aaron to say anything other than ‘fine’.

“He’ll be ok, I think,” Aaron says to him. “Last night the doctors said that Alex will be discharged today. And that’s good, obviously. It’s just he’s going to be signed off work for two weeks and so he’ll need to go and stay with his Mum down in Exeter. He’ll need someone to take care of him, though, ‘cause his Mum is in a wheelchair and I’m not saying she’s not capable of looking after him, but it won’t be fair to expect her to. And he’s not allowed to drive, and I don’t have a car at the moment, so I don’t even know how we’re going to get there because I’m pretty sure a five-hour train journey with cracked ribs is going to be miserable…”

“Aaron, wait…” Robert interrupts. “I’m between jobs at the moment so I’m free. I’ll drive you both there.”

“What? Really?” Aaron says, eyes wide with shock.

“Yeah, of course.”

For a moment it seems like Aaron is going to argue with him about it, to try and claim that someone else can take them, or that Aaron will hire a car. A strange sort of look passes over his face and he sighs, “that would actually be really helpful. Thanks.”

“Right. Well, just let me eat my breakfast and then we’ll head to the hospital.”

There is a pause. Aaron looks like he is going to say something, and Robert waits in anticipation for it. But then the bell over the café door chimes, catching their attention, and when Robert looks back at Aaron the words that were hanging in the air between them have dissolved into nothing.

They fetch Alex from the hospital and begin the trek down to Devon.

“I can do some of the driving,” Aaron offers as they hit the first junction of the motorway.

“Thanks, but I like this car too much for that. I remember your boy-racing from back in the day.”

The mention of their past together is meant to be a light-hearted sort of joke. Instead, the retelling of the memory tastes like acid in his mouth. Aaron apparently feels the same; he scrunches his nose in distaste and while Robert is relieved to see that the little gesture he adored so much all those years ago has not changed he resolves to keep his dumb mouth shut for the rest of the journey, lest he says something to upset the man beside him.

Which is why he is startled when a few minutes later Aaron turns to him and asks, “why did you do it?” 

The question comes as a shock but not a surprise. After all, this is a conversation that they should have had six years ago. Robert glances in the rear-view mirror to check that Alex is still sleeping. He’s propped up on several pillows to protect his ribs, and his head lolls to the side, mouth open and snoring. The sight of the line of drool trickling onto his shoulder should be disgusting, but the young man looks strangely endearing. Robert’s stomach rolls with a now familiar feeling of jealousy. 

He takes a deep breath, almost ready to begin his long confession. Then he realises that Adele is still softly warbling on the radio. Robert knows that he can’t do this with any distraction; he must give the words he chooses the most careful consideration (at least as much as he can while remaining safe to drive.) He reaches out and turns the radio off as Aaron shifts in his seat so that he can look at him properly.

And then there is nothing left to do but speak.

“I was a coward.”

Aaron nods but says nothing.

“We were never going to work,” Robert explains. “No matter how much I wanted us to, we couldn’t be in a relationship together, not long term anyway. You were right; I wasn’t ready to come out and I was using my father’s illness as an excuse not to. And, to be honest, with you going away so much and putting your life in danger like that… I couldn’t see a future for myself just waiting for you to come home or waiting for a phone call that tells me you won’t.”

“I would have given it up…” Aaron starts, but Robert interrupts him.

“But I didn’t want you to. I didn’t want you to just give up on your dream for me. And sure, you could have stayed with the Navy engineers and not started working with the bomb squad like you planned to, but you still wouldn’t have been safe, not as safe as you would be at home with me. And I couldn’t be responsible for you giving up your dreams like that.”

“So why didn’t you talk to me about all of this?”

“Because I couldn’t bear for you to pick the job over me.”

Aaron pauses for a bit.

“I’m not sure I would have done,” he eventually says.

Robert sighs, “But you should have. I had no right to ask you to give it up for me. And you were so young at the time; a year or two down the line you would have resented me for it. I wanted you to have the chance to live the life you had always wanted.”

“So, you cheated on me?” Aaron asks, clearly not understanding the connection between Robert’s explanation and his actions. “Why put me through all that? Why not just dump me?” 

“I knew I should have. I knew it was the right thing to do. I came up with everything I was going to say. I was going to blame it on Dad, or our age gap. Or I was going to lie and tell you that I didn’t love you. But every time I tried I would just look at you, and the words would stop in my throat. I couldn’t give you up, but I couldn’t keep you either. So, I had to make you do it. I had to make you hate me enough to end it yourself.”

“Oh, I hated you alright,” Aaron turns his face away and stares at the road as Robert risks a brief glance at him. “I couldn’t understand why you did it. I thought you couldn’t have loved me, not if you were capable of something like that.”

“I did love you,” Robert says earnestly. “But what happened between us… I know that Adam told you about Chrissie, what I did to her. We would have crashed and burned eventually, Aaron, because the truth of the matter is that I am a disaster, and I don’t know how to love. Not really.”

Aaron waits for a moment and Robert takes the opportunity to choke down the sob that his building in his chest. He hasn’t cried since his father died and he’s not about to start now.

“So… you didn’t love her then?” Aaron asks quietly.

“Who… Rebecca? God, no. I didn’t… I didn’t feel anything for her. She was there, she was pretty, and she was so unlike you. I just used her. Haven’t you learnt that yet? That’s all I do: I use people.”

Aaron looks even further away from him then, turning his head to look out the passenger side window.

“Even Chrissie. I did… I was very fond of her and I think maybe at the time I thought I loved her. But… it wasn’t enough. Nothing was. And so, I kept seeing Rebecca, and I kept sleeping around with all sorts of men and women, and even when I was caught out I still tried to convince her to take me back.”

“The truth is Aaron,” Robert says, swallowing hard to try and hide the crack in his voice, “You have done so well. You have achieved so much. And I would have just dragged you down. I’m so sorry for hurting you, I really am. But having you out in the world hating my guts was easier than knowing you were out there and wishing that you would come back to me. That’s why I am a coward. I couldn’t live with that hope, and so I made you kill it.”

And then there is nothing more to say. Robert recalls that confession is meant to be a cleansing act, but right now he just feels dirty, tainted with the memory of how cruelly and carelessly he had hurt Aaron. Part of him wants Aaron to accept his apology and to say that he is forgiven, but the other part of him knows that someone as brave and honourable and good as Aaron should not be made to give away that sort of gift, especially to someone as undeserving as he is.

As the miles pass by the car windows the gap between Robert’s declaration of his guilt and Aaron’s absolution grows ever wider. They sit in the car only inches apart, but the distance between them stretches like a great and gaping chasm. There is nothing to fill the space but silence.

…

Alex’s Mum very kindly insists that Robert should stay for tea, declaring that ‘any friend of Alexander’s is always welcome in our home!’ But Alex’s exasperated sigh of ‘Mum!’ and Robert’s instance that he really cannot stay is enough to convince her to let him go.

Aaron says nothing, despite it being clear that such a long journey twice in one day would be madness. Robert is more convinced than ever of the obvious fact that Aaron hates him and cares nothing for his health or safety. Rob leaves Aaron in the doorway of his boyfriend’s house with the knowledge that Aaron has clearly neither forgotten nor forgiven the hurt that Robert had caused him.

Rob makes it about forty minutes before realising that he is in absolutely no state to drive. He does the responsible thing and pulls in at the first hotel he finds; he is close enough to the city centre to find somewhere without looking too hard and far enough away that the room prices are not extortionate. Having paid for his room he goes straight to bed and tries to keep thoughts of Aaron and how much the younger man must hate him from floating like a ghoulish spectre in his mind.

After an hour of that he has found no rest at all, so he flings himself from under the covers and ventures down to the hotel bar with a view to shutting his brain up with alcohol.

The bar is surprisingly nice. Subtle accents of chrome and polished marble give the place an upmarket vibe and there are big cosy armchairs scattered around that make the space feel more ‘liveable’. A soundtrack of gentle music plays through the speakers and for the first time in what feels like a long while Robert feels some of the tension he has been carrying around with him ease a little.

He is not so relaxed as to be unaware of his surroundings and after half an hour and two glasses of whiskey, he notices that he is being watched. He could leave, if the attention made him uncomfortable, but going back to his room now means going back to thoughts of Aaron and the mistakes of his past. So, he stays put and wills the world not to notice him.

Too late. The young man who has been watching him has seen Robert glance in his direction and has taken that as an invite to come over to him.

“May I?” The man asks, gesturing to an empty seat beside Robert. Well, at least he has manners. 

“Sure,” Robert shrugs.

There is a pause. Robert stubbornly decides that since he didn’t invite this stranger over he shouldn’t be the one to put in the effort of starting a conversation. He does take the opportunity to look a little closer at him, though. The man is younger than him, possibly even younger than Aaron. He wears a blue suit – hardly significant as most of the people in this bar are dressed in something similar. But while most men of business have their suits tailored in such a way as to make them look big and imposing this man has instead chosen a slim cut that makes him look scrawny and even a little boyish. However, there is a clear line of muscle under the soft fabric and a sharpness in his jaw that could be deadly at the wrong angle. This man is a viper; camouflaged as harmless until ready to strike.

“Are you here for business or pleasure?” The man asks. “Wait, don’t tell me. You’ve just finalised a major deal for your company, but you’ve decided against a big celebration because you have more deals to work on tomorrow and you want to keep a clear head.”

“No,” Robert admits. “That sounds more like a description of your own reason to be here.”

The man huffs but smiles. “You saw through me.”

“If you want to talk about your achievements, I won’t stop you,” Robert replies. “I just came here to listen to some music and to have a few drinks.”

“So, what do you make of the music?”

“It’s fine,” Rob answers, unsure of where this is going.

“You like classical music?”

“Doesn’t everyone once they hit a certain age?”

“The genre is so varied though. One man’s Beethoven is another man’s beatboxing.”

Robert isn’t quite sure what he means by that, so he brushes off the comment with a quick, “I like what’s playing now; Air on a G string. It’s lyrical, soothing, I can actually play a version of this on guitar.”

“Do you have a favourite piece to play?”

“Oh, definitely Pavane. Do you know it?”

They talk for a little while, Robert acknowledging that talking nonsense about music with a stranger is definitely preferable to feeling heartbroken in his room. He relaxes further into his chair and feels a smile tug at his lips until the conversation changes and the young man sitting beside him offers him a drink with a dangerous looking smile.

There is no reason for Robert to refuse. None at all. While the last few days have proven to him that there is nothing between him and Aaron anymore and no hope that there ever would be again he finds himself unable to even begin thinking about opening himself up to another person. If only he could have felt this loyal six years ago.

He declines the drink. The young man writes his number down on a napkin, just in case Robert changes his mind. He throws it away as soon as he reaches his room.

…

Life in Emmerdale reverts to something resembling normal once Robert returns without Aaron. He’s ashamed to admit it but he knows that he walks with more confidence now that the spectre of his past is not lurking around every corner. Jimmy and Nicola take pity on him and offer him a job with Home James Haulage, and though he knows that he is only a charity case for them he promises himself that he will work hard and show that he can be successful at something.

A further opportunity to prove to himself just how ready he is to move on presents itself when Mr Joe Tate moves to the village. He is young and handsome, and Robert recognises him as the young man from the bar in Exeter immediately.

“I never thought I would have the chance to buy you that drink,” Tate tells him as they both arrive at The Woolpack at the same time. “You must let me do so now.”

And that’s how it starts. They hold court in one of the side booths as Tate tells him the tale of how he has ended up in this village of all places. About how his family is from the area and how he wanted to move back after the death of his aunt in order to feel closer to them. Tate describes his business ventures and of the potential investment opportunities that he has already seen in the area. He hints that there is a job going spare for Robert if he will take it. But while Robert’s first instinct is to drop everything and follow this new opportunity he remembers his promise to himself- to work hard, stay constant, and try and make something of himself- so he politely declines.

“Shame, I could use someone with your insight,” Tate says to him. “But you know where to find me if you change your mind.”

“I don’t even know what I could tell you that you won’t find out from someone else. Everything I know about this place comes from living and working here my whole life.”

“I thought you said that you had lived in Spain for a while?”

Robert is surprised to hear that Joe remembers that part of their conversation. “I did, yes. What I’m trying to say is you could ask any member of this village and they would probably tell you the same as me.”

“And what would that be?” Tate asks him with a smile. “Go on. Humour me.” 

“Well… David’s has the monopoly on convenience groceries here. Between him and the Tesco on the Hotton Business Park, there’s no gap in the market there. Likewise, with the B ‘n’ B; there’s just the right amount of competition as it is- any more businesses and the market would collapse. The farms have all been struggling, but that’s a country wide thing and is not specific to the area. Though, there are a few villagers trying to utilise smaller and more unusual crops. You should talk to Belle Dingle about that.”

“Aside from that, there are no opportunities going to waste here? I can’t believe that,” Tate scoffs. “Tell me, what would you do if you had the money to invest in whatever you pleased?”

Robert thinks for a bit. It’s not like he hasn’t dreamed of one day being able to invest whatever and wherever he could. In recent times though he was so wrapped up in saving the farm that all his dreams had faded into thin air. Still, that natural business instinct that Lawrence White had once praised him for and late learnt to despise, still remains within him. At Joe Tate’s urging, he finds it again.

“A few years ago, there was an attempt to run a taxi firm from here. It never got off the ground, but in the right pair of hands, it could have a lot of potential. There was talk once of a scrapyard being founded here. There were protests from the locals at the time but now that opinion has changed towards recycling and the value of copper and iron has skyrocketed it could be a nice little money spinner. And then there’s Home Farm. There’s no chance of the Whites giving it up but… and you didn’t hear this from me… it’s being severely miss-managed. If you were looking to edge your way in, I’d start off by aiming there.”

Tate regards him for a moment, sipping his gin and tonic at a pace that only just stays on the right side of being abnormally slow.

Eventually, he says, “and you really think that any of these villagers could have told me all of that? This is what I meant by insight. You sell your talents entirely too short, Mr Sugden.”

Rob hopes that Tate can’t see how much he is blushing. The way Tate is looking at him makes him feel like the young man can see him from the inside out. As if Robert has been cracked open for him to pursue at his leisure. Rob can’t decide if the feeling is unsettling or thrilling.

…

“Robert!” the shout comes from downstairs as he’s throwing some aftershave on. “Come on Rob!”

“Just a second!” he shouts back down, wondering what on earth Vic could want him for. He checks his reflection one more time, making sure that there is nothing stuck between his teeth before he rushes down the stairs to find out what all the commotion is about.

“Get a move on Rob, we’re going to be late!” Vic tells him as she applies a thin sheen of gloss to her lips.

He must obviously be wearing a confused expression because she sighs dramatically, “don’t tell me you have forgotten! It’s Andy and Katie’s party.”

Truth is, he absolutely has forgotten.

“I’m sorry, Vic. I’m not coming.”

“Yeah, yeah. Very funny. Of course you’re coming. They’ve been planning this party for months!”

“I know, but something has come up and I can’t avoid it.”

“What could possibly be more important than going to your own brother’s engagement party?” Diane asks incredulously from the kitchen.

At this point, it would probably be a good idea to lie. In the past, Robert would have had no problem at all coming up with an elaborate story about a work crisis. But, for now, Robert sticks to his new ideals and decides upon telling the truth.

“I’m meeting Chrissie.”

“Chrissie. Your ex-fiance Chrissie?” Vic asks.

“Yes.”

“Chrissie, who burned all your things and threatened to evict us all onto the street, Chrissie?”

“Yes.”

“Chrissie, who outed you in public, called you a ‘conniving bastard’ and made everyone’s life a misery until she finally got what was coming to her and moved away?”

“Yes, I think we’ve all remembered who she is, thank you, Victoria.”

“But why?”

“Because I promised I would,” Rob tells her sincerely. “After everything; I at least owe her to show up when she says she wants to talk. I’m sorry for forgetting Andy’s party; that was stupid of me. But I have to go meet Chrissie.”

“You’re telling me that you would rather spend time with one of the Whites than with your own family?” Doug buts in.

Robert keeps his mouth shut. It would do no good for him to admit that yes, he really would.

The truth of the matter is that he and Chrissie had reached an understanding when he offered to pass on information about what her family were up to in the village. And now, whenever she is in town, they agree to meet, although their meetings are more about gossip than anything else these days. It seems strange to him that the two of them can continue in this awkward sort of truce despite having caused so much pain and hurt to each other in the past. Obviously, that might have something to do with the fact that Rob had sworn to keep the affair that Chrissie and Andy had embarked on after the breakdown of their engagement hidden from his whole family. With all things considered, he figured that the two of them were sort of even these days…

His family don’t understand.

“How could you Robert?” Diane exclaims. “To abandoning your own family for that snake!”

“I’m hardly abandoning you. It’s just a party.”

“Just a party?” Vic buts in. “After everything Andy and Katie have been through do you not think it is more important than ‘just a party’?”

Right now, he could expose what he knows. He could blow the lid on Andy’s affair with Chrissie and destroy Andy’s life by revealing that Rob is not the only screw-up in the family. Part of him really wants to. But there’s no point; it would result in nothing more than making Andy as miserable as he is. And while that might cause him some small sense of satisfaction it’s not worth all the hurt and pain and anger that would inevitably find a way of being laid at his feet.

“Come on Vic. Besides, don’t you think it would be awkward to have me there?”

“I can’t believe how selfish you’re being!” Diane says.

Vic scoffs. “Oh, I can.”

Vic’s words cause his heartstrings to pull and snap with a painful twang. Even after everything that has happened in the past few years, Rob hadn’t realised quite how little they all thought of him.

There is nothing he can do about it now; he has a promise to keep. 

…

He is not expecting an apology. He doesn’t even expect his family to feel bad about the argument the night before. In fact, he almost expects for someone to demand an apology from him.

But at 7.30 the following morning he receives a text from Vic.

‘I’m sorry for what I said. Can I buy you breakfast as a peace offering?’

Rob feels a sudden wave of affection. Vic always was the most kind and caring out of the three of them. And while he would have been happy to just forget about the whole thing and move on he knows that Vic would be horrified if he said no to meeting her. Besides, he fancies a free bacon butty.

They meet in the café and Vic serves him an Americano with a side of apology and an explanation for why she had gone off on him.

“It’s just, ever since Joe Tate moved to the village you’ve been acting like your old self. And that’s brilliant! I mean, it’s so great to see you with a bit more colour in your cheeks and to hear you laughing more often… it’s just…”

“The last time you saw me like that I was tied up with the Whites and acting like an utter bastard?” Robert fills in her pause when she stumbles over her words.

“No!” she exclaims. “Well, yes? Maybe? A little bit.”

“It’s ok. Thank you for being honest with me,” Robert smiles at her. “I do feel better. There are some things in my past that I need to let go of and I finally think that I’m ready. Believe me, Vic, I am going to do better this time. No more lying or cheating or hurting people just to make myself feel better. I’m just glad to know that you’re still looking out for me and that you’re still there to tell me when I’m being a dick.”

“I’ll always be there for that, Robert,” she says taking his hand from where it is wrapped around the coffee mug and squeezing it tightly in her own.

They sit for a moment in companionable silence and Robert allows himself to feel a little relief that Vic seems to have faith in his new beginning, even if Rob doesn’t have faith in himself.

Vic can’t stay quiet for very long though and so they end up gossiping. Vic tells him all about what the Bartons have been up to and all the visitors that they’ve had at the farm since Robert came back from Exeter.

“… and of course, we’ll be expecting to see that cute doctor around more often…”

“Oh? So, is Aaron coming back then?” Robert can already feel his resolve crumbling in his hands. If Aaron comes back then Rob will have to find an excuse to move. He cannot go through the pain of being so close to his love and yet so distant from him again.

“No, silly! He and Finn have started dating!”

He must have misheard her, “Alex and Finn? Not Alex and Aaron?”

“I know we all thought that he and Aaron were together. But you’ve got to admit, with their interests and temperament Finn and Alex are a much better fit. Apparently, they got talking after Aaron told Alex that Finn was the one who called the ambulance for him and things sort of clicked from there. It’s so nice to see him so happy!”

Robert is stunned by the revelation. He’s glad he is sitting down or his sure that his knees would have buckled in relief and shock. ‘Aaron is free’ his treacherous heart whispers to him. ‘It’s all in the past now’ his head reminds him.

…

Despite his sister’s worry that he might fall back into bad habits, Robert does find himself hanging out with Joe Tate. Rob is smart enough to stay guarded- a brief meeting with one of Tate’s ‘executive assistants’ shows him that Joe is the sort of person who loves to surround himself with ‘yes men’. Robert might not have much dignity left after his talk with Aaron had laid all his major character faults bare, but he won’t stoop quite as low as following Tate around like a simpering fool.

Still, he doesn’t mind getting coffee with Tate on his days off. The young man is amiable, and he has a whip-smart sense of humour that Robert cannot help but be charmed by. He wonders how long it will take before Joseph Tate is caught leaving a trail of broken hearts all around the village. More than that, he’s a great conversationalist and an adept businessman. Rob still isn’t sure exactly what Tate wants with him, but until he finds out he is happy to meet up with the man and use their time together as a means by which to work out what he’s up to.

Which is why he finds himself on the way to an Estate Agent’s office in Leeds. Tate says he’s looking for some new offices, that his usual advisor is indisposed, and that he needs Robert’s eye to help him select the best premises. Rob briefly wonders how it is that Tate has built up his business empire while needing to have his hand held at every stage. He knows that Tate must be up to something. The question is, what?

Still, Robert agrees to go because he has errands to run in town and it would be stupid to turn down a free lift. Especially given the fact that it has been raining all day.

They head straight for the Estate Agent’s office where a man with a bright smile wearing a shirt about two sizes too small takes Tate off into an office around the back for a consultation. Robert doesn’t mind being left behind and he amuses himself by flipping through a few perspectives for the local property market. Maybe he should start thinking about acquiring his own property? Should he think about finally moving away and carving a home for himself somewhere new?

A movement off to the side catches his eye and he turns his head towards it unconsciously. And there outside he sees Aaron Dingle, drenched to the skin and looking utterly bewildered.

“Aaron!” The exclamation is out of his mouth before he can catch it in his hand and pull it back in. Aaron either hears him through the glass or still recognises the form his name takes on Robert’s lips as the next thing Rob knows the bell above the door is chiming and he and Aaron are once more within touching distance of each other. 

“You’re back!” Robert says, rather stupidly.

“Yeah,” Aaron answers, equally so.

“Why? I mean, what are you doing here?”

“Well, I… Mum thinks I should start putting down roots somewhere…”

“I’m glad to see you,” Robert interrupts, without meaning to.

A strange light passes across Aaron’s face. “I’m glad to be here.”

“You were missed at the farm,” Robert tells him, trying to salvage the conversation from where he has almost shipwrecked it by his unintended admission. “Vic and Adam keep saying how good it was to have you there. And obviously, Chas misses you. And your Dingle cousins, too. There’s a drawing of you in your uniform that little Jack did pinned up behind The Woolpack bar.”

“Oh. That’s cute,” Aaron blushes. “That’s actually sort of why I’m here. I thought it might be a good idea to look into moving back here. I want to be closer, y’know, to the things and the people that I love…”

A pause. The knot that Aaron once tied around Rob’s heart tugs at him once more.

“Anyway, what are you doing here?”

Robert isn’t about to tell him that he was thinking of moving, or rather, running away, so he tells him about Joe needing help with his business. Aaron nods and asks him about it and they spend a few moments simply chatting like old school friends, falling back into an easy routine of simple conversation and ancient ‘in’ jokes. Though at a point, Aaron’s eyes drift to the brochure for Manchester still clutched in Robert’s hand and his face darkness once more. 

“You’re moving?” Aaron asks, is tone one of surprise and something that almost sounds like disappointment. 

“Oh? This? I was…” Robert is about to claim that he was just flicking through it. But with Aaron’s revelation that he is thinking of moving back maybe it would be a good idea for Robert to start looking further afield. Especially if, as Robert assumed, it is the thought of becoming neighbours again that has been keeping Aaron away from his family for so long. 

And yet… Aaron doesn’t look relieved that Robert looks to be moving away. Instead, he looks concerned and perhaps a little sad. 

Something stretches between them. Aaron looks like he is about to say something, his shoulders tense with an intake of breath and Robert finds his eyes drawn to the pink of the young man’s lips, willing them to open, say something, and give him an excuse to stay.

The moment passes with no words said. So, it falls to Robert to be brave.

“Look, Aaron,” the hearing of his name causes Aaron’s ears to perk up and Robert has to fight down the swell of affection in his chest. “Your Mum is running a village Talent Contest this evening in The Woolpack, and I’ve had my arm twisted into participating. So, if you wanted to… maybe you could come? If you’re not doing anything else, obviously.”

Aaron suddenly similes at him and Robert has to convince himself that he’s seeing things so that the hope that such an expression gives him doesn’t crush him whole.

“Yeah! I’ll be there,” Aaron tells him earnestly. 

“Oh. Ok. Brilliant!” Robert is about to tell Aaron how pleased he’ll be to see him there but then he sees Joe Tate finally emerge from his meeting and Rob decides against it.

This feels like new ground between him and Aaron. He must tread carefully. 

…

Rob is persuaded by the rest of the villagers that he should be the one to go first in the talent contest. He holds back a bit, saying he still needs more practice. If anyone were to ask him if he was waiting for Aaron to show up he would violently deny it. He keeps the act up until Charity comes through to the back room demanding that he pull himself together and get up on the stage. She can be scary when she’s angry, so Rob does as he’s told, though he does fuss around with the microphone and his bottle of water as he surreptitiously scans the bar to see if Aaron has shown up yet. 

He’s not there. There’s nothing Rob can do now but what he promised.

Rob starts off with one of his favourite pieces, a lyrical and beautiful piece of modern classical, that he often plays himself when he needs to calm down. His fingers move slowly across the strings, trying to stretch the time out in case Aaron is running late.

The piece concludes. Aaron has still not arrived. Rob glances around the room and sees that while the villagers gathered there are politely listening to him play, some of them, especially Bob and Brenda sitting near the front, have glazed over a bit. So, he decides to play a pop song next and chooses something that he knows everyone will recognise, even if they don’t do so immediately.

Still no Aaron. Robert’s wish to see him has been unable to bring him here. Unbidden, his fingers move once more. The opening chords of a song more like a memory than a tune sound in the air. And without really consciously deciding to, Robert leans in towards the microphone and begins to sing.

He’s not even halfway through the first verse when the pub doors swing open, and in walks Aaron alongside a blast of cold air from the night outside. 

Their eyes meet, and an understanding passes between them. Robert can’t keep quiet any longer. He has to tell Aaron how he feels.

“Don’t let the sea steal you away,” Robert sings, the original lyric of the song adapted for his purpose. “Don’t let your mind speak louder than your heart.”

“I know that you’re scared. I know because I am too. I’m scared of hurting someone the way that I once hurt you. And I don’t want to touch you in the night if I cannot hold you in the day. But as the sun slowly rises, your love for me decays…”

It’s a gamble and a risk to lay his heart so bare, to put his heart so brazenly on display, especially in a room of people who know him so well. But this is a message just for Aaron, and he seems to understand what Robert means to say to him if the way Aaron slowly starts to move towards the stage is anything to go by.

Robert plays the rest of the song, mucking around with the harmony line and wishing that Aaron would come and join him too so that they could blend their voices together. As the final notes die in the air Robert wills Aaron to understand, to hear what he is saying through the music and the look in his eyes.

But then his line of sight is interrupted. Joe Tate stands in front of him.

“Robert! That was beautiful! I had no idea you could sing like that,” Joe tells him. “Please, let me buy you a drink to congratulate you.”

Robert looks around Tate, trying to find out where Aaron has gone to, and only just sees the door of The Woolpack slamming shut.

“Hang on. In a minute,” he says. “I just need to get some air.”

He shoves his guitar into Joe’s hands and goes after Aaron, everything but his need to follow young man immediately forgotten. 

Aaron is walking quickly down the High Street when Robert eventually catches up to him.

“Aaron!”

He turns to face Robert on hearing his name shouted out. Rob is immediately struck by how pale he looks. There is an expression of agony that Rob has not seen for six years across Aaron’s face and there is an angry sort of blush rising on his neck.

“Aaron. Please.” Robert begs, for a moment unable to do anything else. “Won’t you stay?” he says when he eventually finds his voice. “Finn is going to do some magic tricks. And little Sarah is going to sing. I’m sure she’s much better than me. Isn’t that worth staying for?”

There is a pause. Robert fears he may not be above getting down on his knees and begging him to stay, to let him make up for whatever new slight he and made against him, for Aaron to tell him that he is forgiven.

Then, Aaron’s eye twitches and in a terse and cold voice he answers, “there is nothing here worth me staying for.”

“Robert!” someone calls in the distance.

By the time that Robert has turned to face the sound of Tate shouting after him then back to where Aaron was standing, Aaron has already moved on and is too far distant for Robert to call him back again. Rob rubs his hand over his face, trying to wipe away the anguished expression that he knows must be there, his palm wet with an unshed tear.

He takes a deep breath. “Hey, Joe. I was just coming back inside.”

“Are you ok?”

“I’m fine. Come on.” 

“Wait, Robert. Since we’re alone, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

Something within Joe’s tone makes Robert’s stomach turn with dread. But he stays still and listens to him anyway.

“Long before I came to Emmerdale, I knew your name,” Joe tells him. “I knew of the work you did for the Whites, knew the way you managed and expanded their businesses. I even saw you once, at some conference, and though I never had the chance to speak to you myself, I could tell even then how thoughtful, intelligent, and brilliant you are. You’re incredible, Robert Sugden. And I wish you could see that.”

Robert is only half listening to him; his mind is too occupied with thoughts of Aaron and the look of disgust, anger, and possibly jealousy that was all over his face as he walked away. Which is why he is surprised when Joe takes him by the collar, reaches up, and kisses him.

The kiss lingers for a while. Tate tastes of spearmint toothpaste and cigarettes. It’s nice, objectively, but his heart cries out ‘wrong!’ and so he pulls away.

“Um… drink?” Robert asks, unsure of what you’re supposed to say after someone that you don’t like back kisses you.

Joe looks unperturbed though. He links his hand in Robert’s and turns him back in the direction of the pub.

…

Robert very nearly runs into Aaron the following morning walking into the café just as Aaron is walking out of it. They awkwardly dance around each other for a second until Robert manoeuvres them both so that they are standing outside.

“You ok?” Robert asks Aaron.

“Yeah,” he replies, blushing and looking at his feet. “Look, I’m sorry for being so rude to you last night. I had a headache and… well… I’m sure you remember how grumpy I get when I don’t feel well.”

Robert does.

“You sounded wonderful, by the way,” Aaron continues, and Robert finds himself willing away his own blush. “And you and Joe Tate… you look really good together. I hope… I hope he makes you happy.”

“Wait,” Robert tells him. “Joe and I aren’t…”

His phone starts violently vibrating in his pocket. He fishes it out of his jacket and sees Chrissie’s number flashing across the screen.

“You should answer that. I’ve got to go take these coffees back to the pub before they get cold anyway.”

“Aaron!” Robert calls after him, but for the second time in twelve hours Aaron is walking away from him without once glancing over his shoulder.

Rob stares at him for so long that his phone stops ringing. It buzzes again with a text.

‘1 pm. The bar in Leeds. No excuses. C.’

It appears that he has been summoned.

…

“I hear that you have been hanging around with a certain Mr Joseph Tate,” Chrissie tells him, stroking her finger through the condensation on her wine glass with an air of nonchalance that Rob knows is an act. “That you have been making deals with him. That you have been kissing him.”

A hundred questions race through his mind. How does she know? Why is she bothered by this? And what business is hers anyway?

Chrissie still knows him well enough to be able to decipher his confused expression.

“You remember Connor Jensen, don’t you?” she explains.

“Yes,” Robert answers tersely.

“Well, after I confronted him about his little affair with you. I decided to keep an eye on him. And when I found out that my father was hiring casual workers up at Home Farm I suggested to him that he might be able to make a few extra pennies on the side by working for me at the same time.”

“You’ve been spying on me?” Robert exclaims.

“Don’t act so offended. I’ve been spying on everyone. It’s in my interests to know exactly what is going on in my father’s business and I couldn’t be sure that all the information you gave me was correct.”

There is a brief pause as Chrissie takes a swig from her wine.

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed. You would have done the same,” she says.

And she’s right.

“What do you want to know about Tate?” Rob asks her.

“Oh, I know everything I need to about him, don’t you worry. I actually called you here to tell you what I know,” she leans back in her chair and enjoys the telling of her tale. “I’m not the only one with a spy in Home Farm. Connor was employed by my father at the same time as a man called Graham and after getting him drunk last night has found out that he is working for none other than Joe Tate. Apparently, Tate’s family used to own Home Farm and he’s looking for a way to ruin my father financially and force him to sell up. It would appear that he is under the entirely false impression that you know something that will help him achieve this. All his flirtations with you and the kiss outside the pub have been an elaborate rouse. He’s been using you this whole time.”

“And why do you care if someone tries to take your father down?”

“He and Rebecca destroyed my life. They sent my son to prison. They kicked me out of my home and out of my business. If you think I’m going to let someone else be the one who serves them their ‘just deserts’ then you’ve got me all wrong.”

Robert tries to stay serious, he really does, but he can’t keep down the bubble of laughter that rises in his throat.

“Oh, thank God for that!” he exclaims, much to Chrissie’s surprise. “I knew Tate was up to something, I just couldn’t figure out what.”

“So, you’re not… you don’t fancy him?”

“No. I don’t,” Rob tells her, choosing to leave out the fact that his heart belongs entirely to someone else.

“Well, I have heard rumours that there has been another man in your life recently,’ she says with a cruel sort of smile. “An officer in the Navy. Does that ring any bells?”

Now it is Robert’s turn to pause and consider his next move.

“We loved each other, once, you and I,” he says after a moment. “It still wasn’t enough. And I know that the way our engagement ended was entirely my responsibility and that I deserve the full blame for that. But I was always acutely aware of the fact that you didn’t love me as much as you said you did. That’s not your fault, and you did nothing wrong, but the truth of the matter is you never got over Donny. Not really. Aaron… he’s my Donny…”

“Does he know?” she asks, surprisingly gentle.

“Oh, I ruined any chance I had with him six years ago. Any feelings he had for me are long gone.”

…

Robert feels full of new energy as he drives back to Emmerdale. Part of it is relief that he doesn’t have to try and navigate Joe’s feelings for him- not that he had ever really believed that Joe had any. Overall, though, he is amused by the knowledge that he has been able to walk away from all the schemes and plans that he would have once been so tied up in. Maybe now he’ll finally be able to let the village and all of the past so warped up in the memory of the place behind. He feels giddy with joy and relief at finally being able to say to himself that he doesn’t want to run away from his past and from Aaron; he simply wants to let go to the weight of their history.

He’ll tell Vic that he plans to move away today. And then he’ll go to the Estate Agent’s Office on the next day he has off from working for Home James. And then he’ll look for places that are hiring in Manchester since he won’t want to be commuting back all the time. And…

A sharp and instant chirp from his phone interrupts his thoughts. He should probably just leave it, but he’s on a quiet enough road, and with the latest revelations from Chrissie he is curious to see if she has found out any more information she wants to share with him. He pulls over and puts his hazard lights on. 

‘I’ve tried to fight this, but I can’t any more’ the text from an unknown number reads.

Rob is about to message back and say that this person clearly has the wrong person when another text flashes across the screen.

‘I’m sick and tired of trying to ignore how I feel about you.’

‘I’ve felt for ages that something is missing and now I know that it is you’

‘You’re smug and you’re arrogant but you are also so kind. You try so hard for the people you love, and not everyone sees that but I do.’

‘You loved me like nobody else has, and even though you broke my heart I love you now just as much as I did six years ago.’

‘You own my heart, Robert.’

‘If you feel the same way, you’ll know where to find me.’

The texts stop and Robert blinks back his tears. But then his phone lights up once more.

‘This is Aaron, by the way. Vic gave me your number.’

Robert laughs with joy for the rest of the drive.

…  
Aaron is waiting in the layby, sitting on the bonnet of his car. He looks like he has been there for a long time. 

Robert steps out of his car, pausing a while in order to commit this moment to memory. The joy at first receiving Aaron’s texts has given way to doubt. What if Aaron has changed his mind? What if this is all an illusion- a trick Robert’s mind is playing on him to send him into madness? Maybe he has crashed his car on the way home and this is heaven?

“Is this real?” Robert asks as Aaron finally turns to look at him. “Am I dreaming?” 

Aaron’s expression is one of shock as if he can’t believe that Robert is questioning this. “Everything I said in those texts is true,” he says earnestly. “I still want you.”

Robert is completely taken aback. Aaron’s change of heart today is so out of the blue. Rob is sure he must be fantasizing this version of Aaron standing before him and so beautifully claiming to still love Robert despite everything that has happened between them. 

“But you haven’t… you never said anything?”

“Surely you’ve noticed how I’ve been avoiding you,” Aaron says. “How I could hardly stand to be in the same room as you?” 

“I thought you hated me!” 

“I tried to. I knew I should. When I found out that you were going to be here I tried to pull out of helping Adam and Vic move in. I couldn't face seeing you again. I told myself that I despised you. That I felt nothing for you. But I couldn’t keep it up. When we were in that field and you fainted it all came rushing back. How much I loved you. How much I cared about you. I know it’s stupid, but for a split second, I thought I was going to lose you and I knew then and there that I couldn't go through that again. I tried to keep my distance, tried to distract myself from you. That’s why it was my idea to invite Alex here. I wanted you to be jealous, for you to have a taste of the suffering I was going through. I hoped that you’d be cruel to him, and then I would have a chance to tell myself that you had never learnt your lesson and that all the good I had thought was in you had died the moment you broke my heart. But then the accident happened, and you were so kind to him. And then you drove us all the way to Devon, even though it wasn't your responsibility. And what you said to me… what you told me in the car…. How you were so honest and truthful… It made me think that maybe everything I had tried to make myself believe about you was wrong…”

Could this be true? Could Robert really have been so focused on his own feelings that he had missed every sign that Aaron had fallen back in love with him? 

“When Alex told me that he wanted to start seeing Finn I decided to come back to Emmerdale and tell you how I felt. I would have told you before, but I was still I was too proud, angry and resentful. Still, even though I didn’t mean to, I began to really understand myself and you, to see you for who you really are and love you all the more for it. But by the time I had it all figured out it was too late because you’d already started thinking about moving away to Manchester. And you had started seeing Joe Tate. He made you so much happier than I did. I was nearly sick with jealousy. I told my Mum that I was going to leave, that I was stupid to think I could come back here and make you fall for me all over again. But then, you sang, and suddenly I thought that maybe you could feel the same way about me. That’s why I was so rude to you last night. Having that hope snatched away from me so suddenly when I saw you with Joe; I couldn’t bear it.” 

Robert can hardly believe what he is hearing, and Aaron still has more to say to him. 

“I know I’ve never been good at showing how I feel. But didn’t you see how worried I was about you? How I tried to impress you? How I wanted to uproot my whole life to be nearer to you even though I thought you were indifferent to me? I was in agony. I couldn’t stand it. I have been miserable without you.”

Robert could cry with relief. And yet, his treacherous brain will not let him stand still and enjoy these words that he has wished to hear for so long. While Aaron may say that falling back in love with him has been torture, Robert is sure that the pain of losing Aaron all that time ago was much worse. 

“Aaron… this is… this is a mistake.” The hopeful expression that has bloomed across Aaron’s face as Robert listened to his confession suddenly withers. He opens his mouth to argue, but Robert speaks over him, sure that if he hears Aaron say that he loves him one more time his resolve will crumble. Rob will fall into his arms again only to end up dropped to the floor when Aaron realises what a stupid idea this is. “I can’t be the one who causes you all this pain. You must remember how awful I was to you. How badly I hurt you!”

“I forgive you!” Aaron shouts back. His cheeks are beginning to flush red and his eyes are glassy with tears. “I forgave you as soon as I saw you again and remembered. I remembered what it was like to be twenty again and how it felt to be loved by you; to be the centre of your universe. There’s no one like you in the whole world, Robert. Believe me; I’ve looked. And when I came back here, came home again, I realised that I had always been searching for someone who made me feel the way you do. Who looks at me and understands me the way you do. Who loves me the way that you did… Seeing you again, seeing how you’ve cared for all of the people you love- how you’ve supported Victoria and forgiven Andy and stopped messing around with the Whites so that you could focus on your family. How you gave your home, the place you worked so hard on, and yet never showed any resentment or jealousy. How no one noticed what you did for them and how that didn’t stop you from trying to do the right thing… Can you blame me for wanting to be part of that? For you to care about me like that again?” 

Aaron is properly crying right now- great big blue tears that track glossy paths down both his cheeks, landing with wet splashes on his collar and on the skin of his neck. Robert’s palms itch with the need to reach out and brush them away. But he cannot move from this spot; he’s too worried that if he moves he will shatter this fragile reality in which Aaron loves him again, and he’ll wake up once more cold and alone. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to admit this. I was scared,” Aaron tells him, suddenly quiet. “If you don’t feel the same way, if you don’t want me anymore, that’s fine. I’ll move on. I’ll try to make a life for myself somewhere else. I just had to tell you how I feel. I had to tell you that I want to come back home. Back to you…” 

Robert is stunned into silence. This is everything he had hoped for and yet been too scared to believe could happen. He lets Aaron’s words sink in, treasuring and cataloguing each one of them in his mind so that one day in the future he’ll be able to relive this feeling in the same bright intensity that he feels now.

Aaron is looking at him with an expression half of horror, half of hope. Rob feels his heartstrings tug with an overwhelming feeling of adoration for this man. 

“Of course I want you,” he says to Aaron. “I love you more than anything.”

Aaron closes the distance between them, stepping into Robert’s space and crowding him against the bonnet of his car in a strange echo of the first time they kissed in this spot. There is nowhere to hide from the scrutiny of those ice blue eyes. Aaron reaches out and pulls Robert close to him with a gentle hand pressed against his neck. 

And then finally, blissfully, their lips touch. 

The kiss is short and perfect. But the way that Aaron winds his whole body around Robert’s and clings onto him might as well be close to divine. Rob lets himself fall apart in those strong arms, his body shaking under the ferocity Aaron’s love for him. 

“Are you ok?” Aaron whispers into his hairline, not moving from the spot where he has rested his lips against Robert’s neck. 

“I’m just… I’m overwhelmed… There are so many ways this could go wrong.”

“Let them. We’ll get through this together. I’ll help you this time.” 

Robert pulls back a little so that he can study Aaron’s face. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about how I hurt you too,” Aaron says. “Don’t say I didn’t- I was young and stupid and I had no idea how hard it must have been for you to hide who you are from your family for so long, how scared you were of hurting them, how ill your father was. And I should have thought about how worried you were about me. We should have talked more. I would have tried to understand.”

Aaron rests his head against Robert’s chest, his arms still twined around Rob’s waist as if he is afraid that if he lets go he will turn and run. 

“I did try to fix this,” Robert tells him. “All those years ago. I sent you letters for a whole year. But you never replied. And then when you changed units your Mum wouldn’t tell me where you had gone or how to get hold of you. I knew then it was over.”

“I tried to write back, a few times, but I know that if I did I would fall for you just as fast as I did before and I wasn't ready to let myself be vulnerable like that again. So I ripped up my replies and told my Mum not to tell you where I had gone. I kept your letters though. Every single one. I couldn’t bring myself to let you go. Not completely, so I kept that little part of you in a shoebox under my bed,” Aaron mumbles against Robert’s heart. 

“I didn’t have you down as being so sentimental,” Robert replies, unable to resist dropping light kisses to the top of Aaron’s head. Now that he has the chance to do so, he’s not going to waste it. 

“It’s silly,” Aaron tells him. “Six years and you still have this hold over me.”

“I feel the same,” Robert confesses. “You’ve pierced my soul, Aaron. I will always be yours.” 

Aaron’s smile nearly cracks his face. Robert has no choice but to press soothing kisses all over it. 

They stand there for a little longer, swaying slightly in the Yorkshire breeze as they press their hearts together through their chests. Robert feels a sudden compulsion to take up Aaron’s hands in his own and kiss them. He indulges the impulse as he realises he can now, and whenever he feels like it in the future. 

Aaron links their fingers together. “Will you come with me?” he asks. 

“Yes,” Robert replies. “Let’s go home.” 

 

FIN.

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream at me on tumblr. I'm iwillsendapostcard <3


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